I got a cryptic message from the Frenchman: “Meet me at this address on my lunch break.” I never know what he’s up to, so I was curious, needless to say. The only clues I had were the three items he told me I needed to wear: a sports bra, very thick socks, and underwear that covered my whole ass.
Well ok then.
I pulled into a strip center with all kinds of services: hair/skin/nails, massage, a French cafe and bakery. Ironically, my French boyfriend was not there to take me to a French bakery. (We still tried. It was closed.)
He met me at my car and told me to close my eyes as we crossed the street. It took me five minutes to take two steps. “Ok how about you just look down?”
We stepped into a very clean, shiny, pretty front lobby, and the first thing I see is a sign about cryotherapy. My knees have been hurting me big time for the last month, making lifting – and sitting down to pee – very painful; so Frenchie surprised me with a trip to the freezer. I was overjoyed.
Cryotherapy involves exposing yourself to realllllly cold temperatures to help – in my case – speed up recovery, decrease pain and inflammation, and improve health overall (among a menu of countless other positive side effects). Today, I was fortunate to visit Rejuvenice and experience their “cryosauna.”
The two young ladies at the front desk were very friendly, and I was led to a room where they provided gloves, socks, slippers, and a robe. I kept my undergarments on, and Frenchie said he told me to wear “whole underwear” because he was worried my buttcheeks would freeze.
Here’s me looking sexy as fuck:
“What about the socks? They provide the socks. I didn’t need my own.”
“I was trying to throw you off.”
Mission accomplished!
The cryo chamber itself looked like something from a sci-fi movie – those things that characters step into to be transported to another time or planet.
The nice lady closed the door to the chamber and I DISAPPEARED INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION. Just kidding. But it was quite nippy in there. I threw her my robe over the wall and she started to drop the temperature.
At first, it was refreshingly cold. And I’m all, “Oh! This isn’t that cold! I like it! Is it going to get colder?”
And she’s all, “Yes, it’s going to drop about another 50 degrees.”
And I’m all, “Oh! 50 degrees isn’t that much!”
I didn’t realize this was all in Celsius.
Here’s me before my testicles started freezing through:
The temperature plummets and I’m all, “Well, shit. It’s a tad bit chilly in here.”
And the lady’s all, “Duh.” A few moments later, she informs me that it’s only been one minute. I have two more minutes to go.
And I’m all, “HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Wait, what?”
20 minutes later, she informs me that it has indeed only been another 30 seconds. By now, I’m all, “But…I’m really cold.”
Here’s me checking to make sure my balls are still even there:
Aside from the night I lost my virginity, this was the longest three minutes of my life. I felt it the strongest in my shins, which were cold to the point that it hurt. I closed my eyes and started doing my lamaze breathing and was a hop, skip, and a jump away from telling her to turn that damn thing off and let me out; but I really, really wanted to make it through!
And I’m so glad I did. I survived the whole three minutes and jumped out of the cryo chamber. Frenchie said the thing had dropped to -150 degrees Celsius (about -238 F!). The painful coldness was gone in maybe a minute. After that, I was just really fucking cold. Mainly my legs. But I had an odd, refreshing sensation throughout my whole body and even felt a nice little jolt of extra energy. (And then later on, I absolutely crashed. It was stupendous.)
It’s a very odd sensation to try to describe, but I definitely noticed a difference. The knee pain is still there, but a little less than before. And my body overall feels…cleaner? More awake? I’m a writer, and this is the first time I’m stumped for words. Whatever it is, it’s good.
I’m not the only one who had a positive experience, either. Although their Yelp page only has eight reviews (I don’t know why!), they’re all five-star; and I plan on contributing my own later on tonight.
I’m even more excited to get back to my training tomorrow and see if I can still notice a difference. Regardless, it was a cool experience, and I think everyone should give it a shot.
Thank you for my wonderful surprise, French!
The Lady Weightlifter 